A few years ago, I was sitting at my regular Isloo coffee shop with an old friend who was visiting from San Francisco. I had just returned home from my masters, bright, cheery, trying to find myself in my old hometown again. I had dragged along a friend who is an introvert, suffering from a heartache and in no mood to meet men. My match making skills clearly failed when within minutes I realised he’s not interested in her. I observed carefully to see if there is any sign of interest, attraction..the spark. Nope…There was none. It was a quiet awkward silence..until I asked.. “ So (Hugh Jackman) what do you men want in a woman?”
“What do men want in a woman?” He asked a bit surprised at my question.
“Yes, yes..what do you men want?” I asked eagerly.
“Do you want looks, do you want education, do you want attraction, do you want the femme fatales? Do you want the girl next door?”
He got really quiet and said, ‘I want a woman, who is in total control of herself. She knows what she wants. She isn’t waiting around for a knight in shining armour to rescue her. She’s rescued herself. She has an education. She has a mind of her own which she uses. I want a sexy woman with an intelligent mind. After all who wants to wake up next to a dead fish ?’
Uh…a dead fish?
Yes, a dead fish. Imagine the fascination with beauty wears off and now this woman who you are to spend your life with has nothing to offer. I mean, what will she talk to me about?. I like intelligence in a woman. I don’t want a dead fish.
Hmm..so how does a woman know you’re attracted to her? Why do men send out such mixed signals?
With a quiet smile, he softly said,
“When he gives mixed signals, it means you’re not the one. Don’t waste your time. Move on!”
No, but what if he’s just confused and waiting to figure out life?
He’s not interested. Is he chasing? No. If he isn’t chasing he isn’t interested.
Whaaaa…that is so 1980! That is playing games. Games are for teenagers.
Well, I want you to imagine this…it’s a jungle out there and picture the man as a gorilla. He will puff his chest out and beat his chest to get your attention, if he’s interested..he won’t send signals. He will beat his chest. He will chase. He will hunt. Let him. The thrill is in the chase.
“The chase?” I asked.
“THE chase.” Let him chase you. Meanwhile remember, don’t make it easy for him. Don’t always be available. Have a life of your own. Cancel on him a few times. Don’t JUMP when he says jump. There is attraction in tension. If you’re too easy, he’ll lose interest. But to be interested there has to something about you that makes you stand out.
Hmm…and what would that be?
Your attitude. Your confidence. Your belief in yourself. Your passion. A man will respond to all these qualities. What he won’t respond to is manipulation, a whiny voice, nagging and poor treatment. Let him beat his chest.
Wait..I’m confused. So when a man is attracted to all these qualities and is beating his chest what should one do?
Oh ..ignore him. He’ll try harder and the harder he tries the more valuable you become. He will appreciate something he’s worked hard for. Be hard to get, but not too hard to get. Intrigue him. He shouldn’t be used to your predictable patterns. Make him miss you, think about you.
This sounds like a LOT of work, I responded.
It isn’t. Then he looks at my friend and says, “ This man you’ve been crying over, let him go.” She looked his way, because neither of us had said a word.
“Stop chasing after him, the more you chase him the less he’ll value you. Be the girl who he thinks about. It’s important to have that emotional space for a man. We withdraw from time to time when the emotion gets too much. We can’t handle emotions the way women do. We ignore them mostly. Give him space, give yourself time. See if you miss him six months from now, you’ll have an answer. Be in control of yourself. When he realises, you’re moving on..it will hit him. By then you’ll be in a position to decide what you want in life. Remember its all about what YOU want, not him. Its YOUR life, YOUR decisions.”
We left coffee that evening, thinking about a lot of things. We got a free lecture on “he’s just not that into you,” we got insights on one man’s point of view which doesn’t necessarily reflect all men’s point of view..but what stuck with us the most that day..self respect.
Self respect. Be in total control of yourself. Know who you are, what your limits are and respect yourself as a woman. Don’t chase. Be good to yourself. Have self respect!
Disclaimer: The opinion, belief and viewpoints expressed by this author do not necessarily reflect the opinion, belief and viewpoints of Hello! Pakistan or official policies of Hello! Pakistan